new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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