took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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