She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
