i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
