but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
