Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
