Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
