I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
