I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
