You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
