you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
