Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
