Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
