my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
