you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
