He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
