i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
