I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
