In the future we'll all be gay
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
