Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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