Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
