The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
