I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
