I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
