Someone shit on the floor
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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