Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
