girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
