I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
