Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's never too late to be topless.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
