Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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