His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
