You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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