we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
