When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
