It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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