Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
whose parrot is this?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
