I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
