Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
and you fell through a lawn chair
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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