I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
