$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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