Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
