I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
