I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
