I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
