i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm at about main and main street
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
