Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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