If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
operation have a gay friend backfired
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
