My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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