The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
