you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
