Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
