sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
